7th August, O2 Academy Islington

Way back at the dawn of humanity hairy fingers clawed at the misty air grasping at the ethereal phantoms of rhythm. Deep within a cave as firelight flickered across their gnarled faces, with raw sinews hewn to wood early man struck his first primeval chord.

But how could he have known that from those first primitive pluckings would be spawned an art form, one that would echo across time and space, from the depths of darkest pre-history it came – Air Guitar!

Drive Productions, for the forth glorious year, had the unequalled honour of producing the Air Guitar UK Championship Finals.

They came once by one, and then in droves to witness what was to be one of the finest displays of instrument-free performance on the planet. Like a magnet to those tuned to the higher frequencies of rock, Air Guitarists from across the land were drawn to the stage ready to unleash the demons writhing within their pathetic human bodies.

Those yet to master the forces came first but their performances were weak. Even the second most famous Welshman after Tom Jones – Glyn from Big Brother, drew only murmurs of discontent from the masses. Still, these fledgling Air Guitarists have time yet to tame the beast.

But as the anticipation of the crowd reached fever pitch, then came the Grand Masters:

Turak, with his horns of Satan, lashed the crowd in to a frenzy and broke all his air strings on a furious final strum.

High Master Dawgg, a previous unknown, put in an awesome performance securing his position in the final.

Deku Chan, another newcomer, explored the mystical East with a powerful display of raw Air Guitar fused with martial arts.

The Axel Vicious, his eye sockets painted black like a demented zombie raised from the grave by some voodoo trickery, drew gasps from the crowd, his right arm a death metal blur.

Last years winner The Midnight Moses didn’t disappoint; it was like Jimi Hendrix meeting Jack the Ripper.

These and the other two qualifiers, Wild Thing 37 and A Boy Named Sue, made the final round.
Backstage, the seven qualifying contestants readied themselves for the culmination of many months of mal-practice in front of the mirror.

A Boy Named Sue, master of the genre, veteran to the Finals, air band member, and also a girl – stunned the judges with a near perfect performance. She blew all but one of the male contestants out of the competition, proving that testosterone is no match for hormones. Awesome.

After his carefully choreographed first round performance had been criticised by the judges for being contrived, Wild Thing 37 was ready to wreak his vengeance. No doubt through some mysterious blessing from the ancients summoned through a pagan ritual, he took to the stage and performed what could only be described as the most astounding Air Guitar ever seen in Islington.

As he hit every chord and every note flawlessly the crowd became mesmerised, entranced. They began to see it – a mirage forming between his hands; a Phantom Guitar, the rare phenomenon that only a master Air Shaman can arouse, which occurs when all the forces are in place.

And the crowd became wild, primeval, the ancient and the modern combined for a single timeless moment. A Boy Named Sue claimed second place, but there was no doubt who would be the new Champion – “Wild Thing!, Wild Thing!” they cried.

Exaltedly they held him aloft, ecstatically he raised his arms – bound for the World Air Guitar Championship Finals and joining twenty international qualifiers in Finland.

The World Title went to the Frenchman Sylvain “Günther Love” Quimene. Wild Thing 37 came joint seventh with Brazilian Fausto ‘ Mr. Heavier Dannair’ Carraro.

Air Guitar is, clearly, more than just hot air.